These random acts of terror have got to stop. Dammit, I'm mad.
So what do we know?
Well, the terrorist mastermind is a fellow named Bandito Grande. We think that's Spanish for Big Burrito.
Big Burrito, eh? Ok, I'm putting Ferguson in charge of this case.
Thanks, Captain.
You earned it.
What? You can't do that! This is my case. And besides, everyone knows that Ferguson isn't very bright.
Be that as it may, Ferguson is now lead on this one. I think his language skills will be critical on this case, and he knows how to go by the book.
But this terrorist is different. He doesn't operate like any terrorist we've ever seen before. The book won't work with this guy. We have to think outside the book.
I want this done by the book, and by the book it shall be done. Now get to work before I throw it at you. That goes for all of you.
The Mayor is on line one.
Great. Now I have to talk to mayor bozo. This is the part of the job I hate. Hello, your majesty...
So many dynamos.
Today's forecast: Terror!
Oh! Oh!
And tomorrow: More terror!
Oh!
We have an eyewitness, an elderly lady citizen who was terrorized in an alley.
Good. Did she give us a description?
Yes. She described him as being... scary... and... menacing. And she's not sure, but she thinks he might have been wearing a hat of some sort.
Did you get anything else from her?
N-n-n-n-n-n-no, that's about it.
Well, have her look at a lineup. Round up the usual terrorists.
This is a waste of time.
Ok, this is a lineup. In a minute we are going to open these curtains--
They are very nice curtains.
Yes they are.
Did you make them?
No, I didn't make them. Now, when we open them, I will ask you if you recognize anyone.
So this is like the television.
Actually, this is more like the live theatre.
No, I mean it is like those programs on the television when they line up the perps and ask the witness to I.D. them.
Yes, it is something like that. Ok, we are going to start now. Are you ready?
Yes.
Open the curtain.
Oh!
Do you see anyone you recognize?
Yes, I remember talking to you earlier.
That's right. I took your statement. We have established that you are able to recognize people. That's very good. Now, I ask if you can recognize anyone on the other side of this glass.
They are all really scary.
Look them all over. Take your time.
And they are all wearing hats of some sort.
One of them is guilty. Find the guilty one.
Oh!
I can't tell. They all seem a little familiar.
Let's see if voices help. Number 1, please say "terror".
Yes, you on the left.
Me?
No, not you, Osama. The one on my left, your right. No, not you, no, yes, yes you. Yes, that's right. You. You are number 1. Please say "terror".
Me?
Yes, you. Please say "terror".
Terrible.
That's good, that was a good effort, but the word was "terror". Please try to say "terror".
Terror.
Excellent. That was very good.
Ok, now number 2, please say "terror".
The person standing to the right of the person who just spoke.
Terror.
Yes, the person standing to my right, your left, of him. Yes, you, that's right. You are number two.
Number two, please say "terror".
Hello.
Hello. Please say "terror".
Hello.
No, not "hello". "Ter-ror". "Ter-ror".
Tello.
That's closer. Maybe we'll come back to you later. Ok, number 3, please say "terror".
Tello.
No, not you, you are number two. I want the person next to you.
Terror.
Yes, but not you either, number one. I want to hear from the other person who is next to number two. I'm looking at you sir. You in the middle. I'm looking right at you. You. No, not you.
Ok, let's try to do this differently. I'm going to count to three, and when I get to three, I want all of you to say "terror" together. Do you all understand? Ok, let's try it now. Ready? One...
Terror.
No, not yet, wait until three. One...Two...
Tello.
Three. Yes, now. Everyone.
Terror.
Yes!
I need some air.
So how is that terrorism thing going?
Captain Shirley took it away from me today. He gave it to Ferguson.
He did, eh? I'm not surprised. You know why he does that, don't you? He's jealous of you. Yes, it's true. He remembers that you carried him through the Police Academy. You should be the captain, not him.
I don't want to be the captain. I can't stand all the politics and in-fighting that go with that job. I just want to be an honest cop.
But you don't mind making me live in a dump like this. It is hard living in Edge City on an honest cop's salary. Why can't you be more ambitious? Why can't you take better care of me?
That reminds me. I had a great idea today.
What this time?
Well, this terrorist we're after is always a couple of moves ahead of us. It is like he knows what we're going to do before we do it.
So?
So I think he has somehow gotten a copy of the Police Book. The Police Book contains all of our plans and procedures, all of our means and methods.
So?
So the only way to take him down is to come up with a system that he can't anticipate. Something that can go anywhere. Something that isn't in the book. A unicycle.
A unicycle? You will never get promoted if you come up with crazy stuff like this.
It's not crazy. Trust me, Lucille, it will work. I'm sure of it.
Have you ever even ridden a unicycle before?
No.
I think it is really difficult. Especially for someone old and stupid like you. What if you aren't able to learn to ride it?
Hi! I'm Clement Farbunkle. But you might know me better as Bandito Grande. I am stepping out of character for a moment to thank you for joining us in this historic first presentation of the JCFang Internet Theatre.
In the weeks and decades ahead, we plan to bring you the best programming possible, and always at no cost to you. All you have to do is go to our website, JCFang.com, and download any of our fine programs, of which this is the first, if not the finest.
Feel free to make copies of these shows and share them with your friends and loved ones. Just remember that all of the copies must also be free. And to preserve the dignity of these performances, please, no editing.
If you like me in this program, and would like to see me come back in future episodes, then please go to www.JCFang.com/bandito and cast your vote.
As my way of thanking you, I would like to now tell you a funny joke. Ok, here goes.
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.
The producers are signalling that the program is about to continue. So we will now go back to Unicycle Cop: The Wheel of Justice. There will be no further interruptions.
And watch for me. I'll be wearing this hat. And vote for me at www.JCFang.com/bandito.
I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.
I didn't plan on this. It just happened.
Same here.
I mean, I love Sven.
Who is Sven?
My husband, Sven O'Toole. I thought you worked together.
Oh, we do. It's just I always thought his name was Snappy.
Oh, no, he hates that name. Vern gave it to him at the academy.
Vern?
Captain Vernon Shirley. Your boss?
Oh, him.
Anyway, Sven and I are going through sort of a rough patch right now. I wish he would open up more. He never cries. I mean, I hurt him all the time, but he never cries. I hate that.
I can cry.
Of course you can, and I love that about you.
Sex at noon taxes.
You can relax, he's not going to be back for hours.
Where is he?
You're not going to believe this. He is off learning to ride a unicycle.
What?
Yeah, he actually thinks that he can use the unicycle to beat a terrorist.
But unicycles aren't in the book.
That's what he keeps saying.
What do we know today that we didn't know yesterday?
Well...uh...We are pretty sure that the Big Burrito is not one of the usual terrorists.
Pretty sure?
We are solidly pretty sure.
So we have ruled out five of the 3,694,820 people who live in Edge City.
And you can also rule out all of us.
Are you pretty solidly sure of that?
Yes sir.
So it's just the other 3,694,810 people that we're not sure of.
Look people. This city is scared to death. The mayor is scared to death. Everyone is counting on us to stop the terror. But to date, we have made no progress, and this non progression has got to stop! So what should we do? I'm open to suggestions.
I think the Big Burrito has a copy of the book.
What book?
The Police Book. That's the only possible explanation for his ability to constantly stay ahead of us. It's the only thing that makes sense.
Oh no. You might be right. Oh my god. What can we do?
I think we can beat him with a unicycle.
A unicycle? That's crazy talk!
No, wait. I want to hear him out.
Unicycles are not in the book, so he'll have no idea what its capabilities are or how to respond.
A unicycle is superior to all other forms of police transport in three critical areas: Visibility. Stealth. Versatility.
First, visibility. Notice that a unicyclist's head is elevated about a foot higher than a walker's head. That extra foot can make all the difference in observing a suspect. A bicycle rider's head is usually facing the dirt, so a bicycle is not a comfortable observation platform. Only the horse provides greater visibility, but the horse also has huge support and service costs, and also has a waste management problem.
Poop.
Second, Stealth. A unicycle is quieter than a car. It is quieter than a bike because there is only one wheel on the ground and there is no chain or derailler noise. A unicycle is even quieter than walking. With a unicycle, it is possible to approach a suspect with no warning.
Third, Versatility. There are places in this city where only a cop on a unicycle can go.
Like where?
Birthday parties!
See this? This is the Police Book. This is what makes it possible to operate with impunity. The book contains all of their plans and procedures; all of their means and methods. As long as we use this book, they never catch us.
Let me give you an example. When they are on page 24, I am on page 26! See! I am always ahead of them! Heh heh!
You asked to see me, Captain?
Yes, Snappy. Please come in, and close the door.
I talked to the Mayor, and I got you provisional approval for your unicycle program.
That's great.
But there are two conditions: First, you cannot carry a weapon while you are on the unit. They don't want an untried technology getting out of control.
That means I'll be defenseless out there. I'll be a sitting duck.
That's the deal.
Ok. What's the second condition?
You have to entertain at the mayor's kid's birthday party tomorrow.
Party boobytrap.
This is the part of the job I hate!
O'Toole! I want a word with you.
God to Hanoi on a hot dog!
Don't copy me. Don't argue, and don't ever copy me. "This is the part
of the job I hate," that's my catch phrase. It is original with me. I
don't want you using it. Ever again. Get your own catch phrase, stop copying
me. Don't copy me. Don't copy me. If I ever hear of you using my catch
phase, I will haul you up before the MPAA on infringement charges. Do
I make myself clear?
Crystal.
This is the part of the job I hate.
Me too.
Watch it!
We just got an anonymous tip. Burrito Grande is right outside this building! He is taunting us! This taunting has got to stop! Go get him. Now!
Do you have the keys?
I thought you had them.
Damn it!
Poop.
That is not in the book!!!
I am getting too old for this crap.
So what went wrong?
I almost had him, but I lost my balance and fell.
So the unicycle thing is a failure.
No, it's working. This was the closest we've ever gotten to him. I think next time I'll take him down.
What if you fall again?
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Egad, an adage.
Besides, I got a lot closer on a unicycle than they did in a squad car.
We would have had him but you got in our way.
So what do you suggest?
I want to get on the street, and start getting the word out that there's a unicycle on the job.
One wheeler: Look out for crime. Over.
Where's the rest of your bike?
Ferguson! Get in here!
Yes, Captain?
We just got an anonymous tip. The Big Burrito is getting a lap dance at the Beach Bunny Club. Snappy is on unicycle patrol on the west side. Get a message to him. Hurry! We stand a damn good chance of catching him with his pants down! Go! Now!
One wheeler: See the terrorist at the beach. Over.
I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.
You know, they call me the Big Burrito.
Do you know why they call me the Big Burrito?
I wish someone would explain it to me. Why do they call me the Big Burrito? I do not understand this.
But you are very smooth.
Where's the rest of your bike?
Help! That man stole my purse!
Damn.
This excessive use of force has got to stop! In this state we do not execute people for purse snatching. And even in Texas, purse snatchers have a right to a fair trial before they are executed.
It was an accident.
An accident! I was against this unicycle thing from the beginning. There are too many unknowns. It's too dangerous!
But it's working! It is the only thing that has let us get close to the Big Burrito. I know that if we can just keep the program going a little bit longer, I can bring him in.
Well, it's not going to happen. As of right now, you are suspended, pending an investigation and a formal hearing. If I were you, I would start writing screenplays, because you are finished as a cop. Hand over your weapon and shield.
Lucy, I'm home.
You're late.
I'm sorry. A lot happened today.
You could have called to say you were going to be late.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't.
You couldn't! You care more about that stupid unicycle than you do about me!
No, that's not true. I love you.
I made you dinner. It got cold, so I put it in the trash. I'm going to bed.
Hey, where's the rest of your bike?
I have been on the force for 30 years. In all that time, I have never once fired my weapon in anger. I have never been in a fist fight. I have never been in a high-speed chase. I have never seen a building explode. And until very recently, I never killed anybody.
But when you see those cop shows on TV, you would think that all of those things happen to every cop at least once a week. Television gets everything wrong.
Such a sad story, my friend. Hearing such a sad story, I might begin to weep uncontrollably.
The Big Burrito!
What? Where? Huh?
Heh heh. Let me share with you my secret for happiness.
You see, my friend, I love television. I love the places it lets me see from my own living room. I love the stories that it tells. I love the music it brings to my life.
Ah, but you ask, what about all those obnoxious commercials? Well, when I am very young, I discover that I don't have to watch them. So whenever the commercials come on, I get up and do something else. I go to the kitchen and get something to eat. Or I go to the bathroom and urinate. Or I torture a small animal.
When I am older, I get the remote control. This is great! Now when the commercials come on, I flip through the other channels, heh heh.
Ah, but now, I have the TiVo. This is the greatest thing. Now when the commercials come on, I just go bloop bloop bloop and they are all gone! Heh heh!
Each year, the advertisers spend 60 billion US dollars to buy the commercials. Ah, but I don't watch them. I watch all the shows and skip all of the commercials. It is like stealing 60 billion dollars a year! Heh heh! That's why I love television. And that's why I go in to the crime business.
There's no law against skipping commercials.
Maybe so, my friend, maybe so. Say, what are you drinking there?
This? I'm drinking Pacific Organic Oat All Natural Non Dairy Beverage.
Huh. Alright. Barkeep, two Pacific Organic Oat All Natural Non Dairy Beverages for me and my friend here, kudasai.
Here's looking up your stack.
Hey, this is really good! Smooth and creamy.
It's lactose free and cholesterol free, and enriched with calcium and vitamins A, D, and B2.
And it's delicious! Hey, I'll bet this would be good on breakfast cereal, too. Where can I get Pacific Organic Oat All Natural Non Dairy Beverage?
You can find it at the better supermarkets, and most health food stores and natural food stores.
Next time I go shopping, I must remember to steal some! Heh heh, I kid.
With Pacific Foods Original Oat beverage, eating healthy and naturally has never tasted so good.
Right you are, my friend. Say, aren't you the ex-unicycle cop?
No, I'm the unicycle ex-cop.
As you say. Between you and me, I think it is terrible how the department treats you.
How do you know about that?
Are you kidding? I read the book. They don't respect you. After all your hard work, dedication, and commitment, they throw you off the team. It is wrong. It is inexcusable. It is not fair. It is immoral. You owe them nothing now. You are the free agent. So here is the good idea: Come and join my team.
Seriously. I can use a talented guy like you.
Talented?
Yeah. You come up with the whole unicycle concept, right? This is brilliant. You really have me running in circles for a while. And you write this show, and direct it, and edit it, and compose the music. And on top of that, I think you're a hell of an actor. I'm not sure that this Clint Eastwood/Wally Cox thing is working for you, but there is no question that you have the talent. Just keep perfecting your craft, and polishing your instrument, heh heh.
So here's the deal. Join me. You'll be the new number two guy. Working with us you'll get a lot more respect and make a much bigger impact than you ever could with the other guys. And the pay is a lot better, too. You'll be at the top of the organization, with no politics and no in-fighting.
I know it's a lot to think about, so take your time. The droogs and I will be waiting for you outside.
I hope that your answer is yes, because if it is no, we will have to kill you.
And thank you for introducing me to the Pacific Organic Oat All Natural Non Dairy Beverage. It is smooth and creamy.
So at last you come out. I don't mind telling you that we are all pretty tired to be standing out here waiting all night long. I hope that you used the time wisely to make the right decision.
So, what do you choose? Do you join us? Or do you die?
None of the above. I'm going home.
BZZZZT!!! That answer is not on the quiz! Therefore your answer is wrong; therefore you must die! Sniff'um, muffins!
Stand back! I have a unicycle, and I'm not afraid to use it!
Heh heh. Be reasonable, man. There are six or seven of us and only one of you. Just put down the unicycle and let us kill you now.
Over my dead body!
Oki doki. Aiiiiii!
You have the right to remain silent.
The dreaded international terrorist Bandito Grande and his gang of terroristas were captured single-handedly this morning in front of a popular Edge City night club by Sven "Snappy" O'Toole, Edge City's Unicycle Cop. It is expected that the Mayor will bestow the city's highest police honor on O'Toole. Once again, Edge City is safe from terrorism.
I don't like sand.
Shhh!
We will resume our regular programming right after this word from Pacific Organic Oat All Natural Non Dairy Beverage. It is smooth and creamy.
You asked to see me, Captain?
Yes, Snappy. Please come in, and close the door.
Good work on bringing in the Big Burrito and his cell.
Thank you, sir.
The mayor wants me to give this to you. It is supposed to be some big honor.
Ow!
He also wants you reinstated effective immediately. So here's your weapon back.
What th--!
And your shield...
I know that we've had our disagreements over the years, and we haven't always seen eye to eye on everything, but the one simple fact is this: You are a damn good cop, and I'm proud to have you serving in my unit.
Stop it, Captain, you're going to make me cry.
This is the part of the job...
You don't have to say it...
Hi kids. I'm Sven O'Toole, the unicycle cop. Whether you're riding on one wheel or two or four, always remember to wear your helmet. My helmet was made by Pro-Tec. See you next time on JCFang Internet Theatre.